Does the thought of being an empty-nester make you nauseous?
Feeling lost after becoming an empty nester is a common struggle for many midlife women, and it’s not just about the extra time on your hands or the quieter house. It’s about a deep shift in identity.
For years, your life had structure and purpose…you were managing your career [now I’m not talking corporate specifically – we’re not all high-flyers], running a household, and raising your kids.
You knew who you were because your roles defined you. Now, with that chapter closed, you’re staring at a future that feels uncertain and unstructured.
It doesn’t just feel unsettling.
It feels hugely overwhelming.
[My eldest moved out four years ago, the second is in the process of looking to spread her wings, and I still have the youngest – so I’m working through this, too.]
One of the negative emotional messages you might be feeling is:
“You don’t matter anymore.”
This feeling of irrelevance can creep in because so much of your sense of worth was tied to the roles you’ve played. Without those roles, it’s easy to feel like you’ve lost your place or your value.
Another negative emotional message you might be feeling is:
“You should have this figured out by now.”
That self-criticism can add a layer of shame and pressure, leaving you spinning in uncertainty and self-doubt. And you start thinking things like, what is the purpose of living? Crazy, right?!
When you’re in this emotional state [feeling untethered, irrelevant, and unsure of what’s next] when you’ve been an emotional eater your whole life, it’s no surprise that food becomes your comforting escape.
We turn to emotional eating when feelings like these feel too big, too uncomfortable, or too hard to face head-on. Food provides that distraction or momentary sense of control when life feels anything but manageable.
But why do you feel this way in the first place?
This sense of being lost and unsure often ties back to the structure and predictability you once had.
Let’s not forget, for decades, your life revolved around others – your kids, your partner, your job.
Now, without that familiar structure, you’re left to figure out what you want, who you are, and what you need – and that’s not an easy shift. It’s like being handed a blank canvas and feeling paralysed about where to start.
Because you’ve spent so long prioritising others and operating within a structure that dictated your choices, your identity, and your daily routines…
…when that framework disappeared, you were left without a roadmap, unsure how to navigate a life where you are the central focus.
Another thing you also don’t acknowledge. Because for years, your energy was directed outward towards everything and everyone else, when it was time to shift that focus inward, it felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable…because you’ve never practiced prioritising your own desires or needs. Which is why this shift can feel daunting, leaving you unsure how to even begin exploring what you truly want.
So, without clear expectations or predefined goals, you might fear making the “wrong” choices or starting down a path that doesn’t lead to fulfilment.
This fear can be extremely paralysing, making you hesitate and feel stuck, unsure of how to take even the first step. It’s normal to want some certainty in your choices, but when there are no guarantees…it can feel really overwhelming.
Another thing that also feels uncertain is your sense of self because so much of who you were, was tied to your roles – the mother, the partner, the employee.
Now that those roles have changed or aren’t as central anymore [reading that feels triggering, I know], you might feel lost, and unsure of who you are without them. And it’s this loss of identity that can create a gap that’s difficult to fill when you’re not sure what comes next.
So, not only does the blank canvas you’re facing represent freedom, it also represents infinite possibilities, which can be sooooo intimidating.
With so many options, it’s hard to know where to start. And that indecision, paired with the fear of making the wrong choice, can leave you feeling stuck, as though any step forward might be too risky.
If you’re neurodivergent [ADHD or APD like me], this situation can feel even worse. Because transitions like this often come with a lot of unspoken rules and expectations…
…about how you should feel
And if you struggle with executive functioning or emotional regulation, creating a new routine or structure in your new life, or even identifying what you want…feels really overwhelming.
The absence of that familiar routine can amplify feelings of chaos or overwhelm, making the whole process seem even more daunting.
And let’s not forget the role of menopause in all of this. Because hormonal shifts can magnify anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame or irritability.
So, it’s not just about losing routine or structure, it’s also about feeling like your own body and mind are working against you.
Exhaustion, brain fog, and mood swings can make it hard to think clearly about what you want, let alone take action toward it.
Add to that the societal messages that midlife women are no longer “relevant,” and it’s a perfect storm of emotional and physical challenges.
So, what’s the specific symptom here?
It’s the feeling of being untethered – which is feeling lost, irrelevant, and overwhelmed by the lack of structure.
This symptom ties directly to emotional eating because those feelings of discomfort [especially ones as deeply rooted as irrelevance or uncertainty] drive the brain to seek comfort and relief. And food, for many women, is the quickest and easiest way to provide that.
The good news is that this isn’t the end of the story.
Feeling untethered doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you’ve failed.
It’s a sign that something deeper is calling for your attention – your own needs, your own dreams, and your own sense of purpose.
And when you learn to approach these feelings with curiosity rather than judgment, you can start to untangle them, step by step.
Reclaiming your sense of self and finding a new path forward isn’t about filling the empty space with busyness or distractions.
It’s about rediscovering who you are, what you care about, and what makes you feel alive – and that starts with learning to sit with your emotions, rather than running from them.
The key to healing this sense of being untethered is about reconnecting with yourself in a way you likely haven’t done in years – I daresay even decades.
Because this isn’t just about self-care, journalling, or joining a yoga class [though those certainly can and do help].
The real work, the deeper shift, comes from creating a relationship with yourself where you become curious about who you are now and who you’re becoming. This is about exploring, with compassion, what you truly want from this next stage of life.
I’ve definitely thought the answer to this is to start a new hobby, volunteer, or take on a side hustle. And while those things can add structure and purpose to your days, they don’t address the deeper root of the discomfort you feel.
And that discomfort isn’t about the empty space in your life – it’s about the empty feeling inside.
What you truly crave isn’t another role or task – it’s a sense of meaning, connection, and identity that feels authentic to who you are now.
That’s the insight most people miss…it’s not the doing that heals you – it’s the being.
For so long, your life has been built around external roles and responsibilities.
They gave you direction, but they also kept you focussed outward.
Now, you’re being called to shift inward and ask “Who am I without all of that?”
The first step is learning to sit with the discomfort rather than rushing to fix it. Of course, as emotional eaters, that’s exactly what we’re trying to avoid.
Our natural instinct is to “figure it out” or “keep moving forward” [whilst eating our emotions].
Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up – whether it’s fear, sadness, or uncertainty – without judgment. These feelings aren’t something to run from – they’re signals guiding you toward what’s missing or what needs your attention.
Next, start asking yourself questions you may not have dared to ask before:
What feels meaningful to me now?
What makes me feel alive?
If these questions feel too big, break them down:
What do I enjoy when no one else is watching?
What have I always been curious about but never pursued?
These aren’t questions to answer in one sitting – they’re an ongoing conversation with yourself.
This approach is different because it’s not about solving the problem with external solutions. It’s about rewiring how you think about yourself and your life.
Most people are taught to look outside for meaning – whether it’s through achievement, roles, or relationships. But this is about learning to look inside, to trust yourself, and to give yourself permission to explore, even if it feels messy or uncertain at first.
When you take the time to reconnect with yourself, something incredible happens.
You stop needing external validation or distractions to feel okay.
You start finding joy in smaller, more personal ways – ways that feel deeply fulfilling because they come from within.
This doesn’t mean you won’t eventually find new roles or passions to pursue. It just means those pursuits will come from a place of alignment and authenticity, not from a desperate need to fill a void.
For women with neurodevelopmental challenges, this process can take even more intention and patience.
The lack of structure might feel overwhelming at first, but this is where creating small, manageable routines around self-discovery can help.
It could be as simple as setting aside 15 minutes each morning to journal, take a walk, or even just sit with your thoughts. The key is consistency, not perfection. Honestly, that applies to everything.
And healing isn’t about becoming someone else or going back to who you used to be. It’s about becoming more of yourself – your real self, the one that’s been quietly waiting beneath the surface.
And when you approach this process with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment or urgency, you begin to build a life that feels meaningful not because of what you’re doing, but because of who you’re being.
That’s how the emptiness begins to shift, and that’s how you start to feel truly at home in your own skin again.
When you begin reconnecting with yourself and understanding what truly matters to you, everything starts to shift.
It’s not just about feeling better in the moment – it’s about creating the foundation for lasting change.
The process of rediscovering who you are and what you want isn’t just self-exploration, it’s the groundwork for healing the patterns that have kept you stuck, including emotional eating.
As you build a stronger relationship with yourself, you’ll notice that the urge to turn to food for comfort or distraction begins to lessen.
Because you’ll have new tools and insights to manage those uncomfortable emotions that once felt overwhelming.
Clearly, this shift doesn’t just happen overnight, but that’s okay because meaningful change takes time.
In the first few weeks, you may just start noticing small things – like a moment where you pause instead of automatically reaching for food or a spark of excitement when you think about trying something new.
Those small wins are the beginning of something bigger.
Over the next few months, as you continue this work, you’ll likely start to feel more grounded and less reactive. The feelings of overwhelm that once pushed you toward food will start to lose their grip because you’ll be building emotional resilience and learning how to meet your needs in healthier, more fulfilling ways.
Eventually, this process leads to a transformation that goes beyond weight loss.
When you learn how to reconnect with yourself and regulate your emotions, the changes ripple out into every part of your life.
You start to feel more confident and at ease, even in the face of challenges.
You find joy in moments that used to pass you by.
You’ll no longer feel the same pull to fill the emptiness with food because the void itself will be shrinking.
Instead, you’ll be filling your life with things that matter to you – things that energise and excite you.
This is how you achieve the overall outcome you’ve been longing for…not just permanent weight loss, but freedom from the cycle of emotional eating.
Try imagine waking up each day feeling lighter – not just in your body, but in your mind and heart. You’ll feel in control of your choices, not because you’re forcing yourself to follow rules or diets, but because you’ve built a life that feels good to live in. That’s the difference. It’s not about quick fixes or temporary solutions. It’s about creating a deep and lasting connection with yourself that changes everything.
The timeline for this transformation will look different for everyone, but the key is patience. In the first few weeks and months, it’s about noticing and celebrating the small shifts. And then over the course of a year, as you stay consistent, these small changes compound, creating a new normal for how you approach your emotions, your choices, and your life.
And that’s when the real freedom comes – not just from emotional eating, but from the patterns and beliefs that have kept you stuck for so long.
This journey is about so much more than food or weight. It’s about reclaiming your life, your identity, and your joy. And as you do, you’ll see that the path to healing isn’t just about reaching a destination. It’s about discovering who you are along the way and realising that the life you’ve been craving is one you can build, step by step, starting right now.
I’m a visionary with a big heart and a huge mission. If you’ll let me, let’s make peace with our past and design a second half of life worth living for!
